I'm gradually realising that my depression isn't something that's ever going to be 'cured'. There are periods of remission when I feel something like normal again, sometimes for a few days, sometimes even a few months, but the black dog always returns eventually.
At the moment I'm having slightly more bad days than good, I feel like I could use some more support with the way I've been feeling, but I'm finding it difficult to ask for help.
You see in March this year I had something of a mental health crisis, I was at the lowest point I've ever been in my life. I was overwhelmed by thoughts of suicide for weeks, I struggled to look after myself, or even leave the house.
And my friends were great. They rallied round and supported me, looked after me, did everything they could to make sure that I was okay.
Then I went back to work and my colleagues did everything they could to make it easy for me to get back into the swing of things.
But now it's September, I've been back at work for two months, and I feel as though I'm supposed to have had all the time I need now. That I'm expected to just be better.
I have an obviously bad day at work and they tell me that they can't keep making adjustments forever.
I try to talk to other people in my life about it, and they still say vaguely encouraging things, but then they often mention that I've been back at work for a while now, or that I shouldn't be letting my depression take over the rest of my life. And then they change the subject.
I sense with a lot of people that I've worn out their attention span as far my illness is concerned.
And on the one hand I can completely understand that. I've been suffering with this bout of depression for over six months now and I understand that caring for someone with depression can be tiring.
I don't want my illness to take over my life, and I don't want to be a burden to anybody. But I really do still need some help with this thing.
Does anyone else ever feel like this?