Let’s stop stigma – support better mental health

Guest Blog - Help Me If You Can by Sarah

I'm gradually realising that my depression isn't something that's ever going to be 'cured'. There are periods of remission when I feel something like normal again, sometimes for a few days, sometimes even a few months, but the black dog always returns eventually.
 
At the moment I'm having slightly more bad days than good, I feel like I could use some more support with the way I've been feeling, but I'm finding it difficult to ask for help.
 
You see in March this year I had something of a mental health crisis, I was at the lowest point I've ever been in my life. I was overwhelmed by thoughts of suicide for weeks, I struggled to look after myself, or even leave the house.
 
And my friends were great. They rallied round and supported me, looked after me, did everything they could to make sure that I was okay.
 
Then I went back to work and my colleagues did everything they could to make it easy for me to get back into the swing of things.
 
But now it's September, I've been back at work for two months, and I feel as though I'm supposed to have had all the time I need now. That I'm expected to just be better.
 
I have an obviously bad day at work and they tell me that they can't keep making adjustments forever.
 
I try to talk to other people in my life about it, and they still say vaguely encouraging things, but then they often mention that I've been back at work for a while now, or that I shouldn't be letting my depression take over the rest of my life. And then they change the subject.
 
I sense with a lot of people that I've worn out their attention span as far my illness is concerned.
 
And on the one hand I can completely understand that. I've been suffering with this bout of depression for over six months now and I understand that caring for someone with depression can be tiring.
 
I don't want my illness to take over my life, and I don't want to be a burden to anybody. But I really do still need some help with this thing.
 
Does anyone else ever feel like this?
 

cutler65 wrote on 09 | 28 | 2012
Hi Sarah When I read your article I was convinced I wrote it... It's exactly how I feel. Fortunately my lowest period was around four years ago, but things are very different now. I still get my very bad days, but I have accepted that this is part of my life now. I very rarely mention my situation at work as I really think people don't understand... If they are not sufferers - they haven't a clue what I'm going through. Simple as that. If I mention how I feel to my friends, it not the full story as I feel they don't really understand, or their patients will run out. My partner is AMAZING and he knows everything, but a part of me still holds back as I'm fearful he might be affected in some way. Deep down I know he'll love me no matter what. My life is almost perfect. I have a good job, lovely home and a truly amazing "other half", but I know this will never leave me... It's great to hear I'm not alone in the fight, but it doesn't make it any easier. If I could leave work tomorrow I know it'll make a huge difference, but I have to pay the bills some how... I keep positive and I am always open to advice, but some days are still very dark... This week has been a good one, but two weeks ago was like being in a coma and being wide awake... I hope you have more good days than bad... Best wishes John
charliebubbles wrote on 09 | 28 | 2012
I've been struggling for just a few month's, I don't need to tell you guys how I'm feeling, you have all been there. You need to be strong, take all that the NHS can throw at you, CBT has been good for me. I've slipped back a bit over the last few days and wondering when it will all end. Not sure I could cope with years of this. I hope all works out well for you. Charlie
toxicgeek wrote on 09 | 28 | 2012
Don't ever stop fighting. I have been dancing with the black dog for over 30 years. Make sure the therapy you are having is right for you, CBT worked wonders for me and I am now doing a course to co-counsell. I didn't work for 6 months and eventually resigned. You have to do what is good for you, this is not something you can just 'shake off'. I now have the tools and processes which I use on a daily basis if necessary to beat this damn hateful disease. Never ever give in, depression doesn't define you but your fight against it can. Stay strong
purplepersuasion wrote on 09 | 28 | 2012
TOTALLY. My current bipolar episode started 26 months ago and I haven't worked in 18 months. I am starting to realise that maybe I have to think about ACCEPTANCE - about how I can live, work etc within the parameters of my illness and the heavy duty meds I take (I blogged about it here: http://purplepersuasion.wordpress.com/2012/09/19/radical-acceptance/ ). I'm not sure what that would mean... certainly it would mean flexible, PT work, no more 9-5. My friends and partner have been great, but I start to worry about how much more they are prepared to take. 3 months was one thing, 6, well, OK. But years of this? Years, not months of illness... family holidays ruined by MH crisis... I am not contributing anything to the household financially as even my sickness benefit has been taken away... I struggle not to think that my partner will be bound to get fed up.
@Lola_Meko wrote on 09 | 28 | 2012
When the darkness engulfs us it is so difficult to truly believe it will pass. Our distorted thinking makes suicide the most logical solution. We'll end our misery and relieve those we love of the burden that we feel we have become. I can completely relate to that train of thought. I have been stuck there on a number of occasions. Then, when we start to recover our expectations of being well, rush us to pretend we are now fine. We rarely give ourselves enough time to truly recover. Depression is exhausting. We may spend months in bed, but by no means is it a self indulgent time to relax. Ha! The opposite! Our brains feel as if it never stops going round and round and the physical toll it takes on our bodies is no joke. You're fragile, you need to set boundaries and nurture yourself. It's difficult to not feel guilty, but you have no control over these episodes of depression. It's not your fault. You have a sneaky disorder that strikes randomly. For no apparent reason and knocks you off your feet. Those who have never experienced it, understand as best they can. Those of us who have experienced it understand with every fiber of our bodies. You are not alone! Finding the right meds is a big part of the battle. Be the guinea pig willing to try a new medication...or two, or three or six! When you find the right combination of medicine, the lows become less severe, uncomfortable, but not nearly as debilitating. It takes time and perseverance. The journey pays off in the end. We will always have to manage this monkey on our back and that sucks! Our lives will need to be reorganized to accommodate this illness. Try, try to accept that you are you and part, just a part of who you are involves depression. I guarantee that your expectations of yourself greatly exceed any expectations that others may have of you. Please don't give up. You are a part of a large community,of people who quite frankly, Rock! We make up an interesting and worthwhile population of this game called life. xo Lisa
hansplat wrote on 09 | 28 | 2012
I had a really negative experience to my first bout of depression when I was 19 - 21. This time round my family have been wonderful and I've learnt which friends to turn to and who to not talk to. Also, this community has been helpful. Keep talking but just find the right people with the patience and understanding. A friend who has experienced it is useful as they know the illness. Failing that, send people you know literature about the illness so they can understand you better. And if you can afford it, pay a good counsellor to listen to you every week, taking pressure off your friends and yourself. Mine is wonderful and allows me a safe space to let it all out. Good luck and keep reaching out, even if you have to change the direction you fling your arms out each time.
lizzieni wrote on 09 | 28 | 2012
Hi great article! I'm currently recovering from depression but know that I could never go back to the highly stressful job I had prior. Reasonable adjustments would be changing the job entirely for me - not gonna happen! So I'm planning a career change - to a less stressful job, its the only way I see myself returning to work. But I think the reasonable adjustments your work make for you can be permanent. They're not supposed to be temporary. Maybe see if you can do less hours or something like that? I have to say I've no idea how I'm supposed to survive on the new salary of a lesser job- still have to figure that one out! Good luck!
vivizara wrote on 09 | 28 | 2012
Always. Depression is something that never leaves me, although, like you, I get periods of remission. Most people don't understand, they think that you will "get better" and then will be back to normal. Long term suffering, however intermittent, is difficult to get your head around. Life is difficult and complicated and stressful for everyone so it's perhaps not surprising that sometimes their understanding for those of us for whom "difficult" describes a good day wears little thin. Excellent insightful article.