Guest Blog - Toxic by Nina

This one is a tricky post - Toxic.  The act of being a pain in the ass to someone, or on the flipside a situation or person or relationship damaging to your well being or those around you.  Ok, I admit it's not the literal meaning but hang with me a while ......... I never said this was "Dictionary Corner" ....

 

A few years ago my best friend and biggest eared muppet alive hurled the word "Toxic" at me after one of my snot-infested, tear stained, mascara streaked latest relationship breakdowns.  Clearly, as all best friends would, I agreed whole heartedly with the label but secretly wished his favourite chicken would die to avenge me after his "cruel" jibe. 

 

So, skip forward over six years and he is still my best friend.  However the chicken did die of natural causes so I am now free to discuss the topic. Win, win.... 

 

Right, here is the Alpaca Guide To Obtaining and Sustaining Toxicity in Your LIfe - 

 

(People with high self esteem, good friends, immaculate mental health, no addictions, no history of "being highly strung", eating disorders, collecting bus tickets/pencil sharpeners/gonks etc need apply.......)

 

1.  Have Low Self Esteem - either as a fault of someone or because you can.....

 

2. Feel Worthless - as above ....

 

3. Remember you will never be "good enough"

 

4. Self medicate - "comfortably numb" 

 

5. Remind yourself daily what a joke/failure/disappointment/waste of earth/loser/fat/thin/gay/straight/old/young piece of crud you are ....... *The more labels you add the greater your success at toxicity is.......

 

6. Repeat all the above over and over until you really, really feel bad. Add a liberal splash of mental health issues, a handful of antidepressants and sporadic sickness absences.

 

7. Listen up folks, the final key is this.  Surround yourself with people who make you feel worse.  Warning, it may take a while until you hit the bottom of the Toxic Barrel.

 

Hitting the bottom ....

 

So, six years after being alerted to Toxic I still did not get it.  Sadly for me this was at the price of hurting someone who I love more than life itself ............. identity anonymous, but her code name is "The Cria".

 

(Just to let you feel even worse, everyone can see the toxic around you - somedays you will too but the heady fumes drag you back down.......denial, denial, denial.)

 

"The Cria" made me realise in the most brutal way that Toxic was my lifestyle choice and not hers.  In the brief interlude that this caused I had an epiphany - not in a "Jesus in my Porridge" way, but a really heartbreaking wake up call.  The Toxic swamp was drowning us all ...........

 

Breaking Free - Detoxifying ...

 

Now, I don't know about you, but I know about me.  Let's just imagine you have all the attributes mentioned in 1 - 6 above. Feels great, huh ??? Now, if you have felt like this most of your cogniscent life things can be pretty bleak.  Life is not a Bridget Jones movie, it is never going to be Mama Mia - more a French film noir about whale murdering - dark and gory.

 

The choices made when life is influenced by negativity towards the self are based upon a lie.  We feel we deserve no better than what or who we have.  "My boyfriend only hit me once" "He only smokes weed five days a week" "He is an alcoholic but I love him" "He needs me" "I need him" "I am lonely" "I am too fat/thin/messed up to expect more" "My work sucks but it is a pay packet" "I am being bullied, my fault" "Am never going to get fit/toned/healthy" "I cannot be bothered"

 

Kinda getting the drift .......................................

 

Stop the madness.  Stop it now.

 

Bad habits and toxic relationships are like the old cuddly toy we had in the cot.  Really comforting but not a whole lot of use in the world of grownups. The negative internal language is our default setting.  Learning to change that dialogue is hard - like learning Welsh. You will not become fluent overnight.  You will probably not wake up tomorrow with Richard Gere in the kitchen, no feelings of worthlessness and a new Volvo.  It doesn't work like that.

 

Be honest with yourself   ......... really, really honest.

 

Now, going it alone is scary. But going onward with someone who sucks the life out of you through their toxicity will be harder.  Distance yourself from the harm.  Even if you perceive they "need" you ......

 

Reduce your own toxicity - drink less, walk more, take care of YOU, get help with the language in your head, make different connections, talk to a neighbour, chat to someone in Costas,  Rescue a dog / cat from a sanctuary, eat well, read more, practice being "mindful" (more later)..... 

 

Another good friend, lets call him Hugo said to me "the most important person in your life is YOU" . Do not waste any energy or time on people or situations that do not WHOLEHEARTEDLY support that sentence.

 

Be the person you really deserve to be.  Make your life the movie you want it to be, write the script, find the actors and sit in the directors chair.