I need some advice about my family

As some of you know, I had a breakdown last Summer - I lost my business and my livelihood.
I was very fortunate to have health cover and spent a month in hospital followed by 10 months of therapy.
During this time I began to understand that my upbringing was fairly dysfunctional and emotionally quite abusive. Unfortunately, at the same time as learning this, I was forced to borrow some money from my parents (they're not short of money) I had committed to paying them back this year as i got back on my feet and was ready to make a payment in June. However, last Saturday I received the most horrible email from my sister setting out her thoughts on my lifestyle, her thoughts on how I am bringing up my kids and her disgust that having borrowed money, I was still taking my kids on day trips and so it went on. Describing my breakdown, she said "we all have our down days, but few of us have the luxury of being able to go into hospital"...... she went on to detail that this was not just her view, but the view of my whole family (2 parents, 3 siblings).....this has knocked me for 6 and I don't know what to do. I hate doing these things over email, but I needed to put my side of the argument and sent a very considered reply ) from the adult within me and not the child!) that set out my hurt and detailed all the times I had lent them money when times were good.....how much I had done for them....without condition and in a sprit of love - and that I didn't think I deserved this judgement and hostility. Since sending this, I havent heard from any of them.
I'd love to be able to shrug it off, I'm 41 with a wonderful wife an two brilliant kids....I don't need them - and yet it has hurt me in such a profound way. The worst part is that I know its orchestrated by my own mother.
I was feeling so well before this happened - and yet I've allowed it to pull me down and I just dont know how to deal with it - at the moment, all I feel is anger and hurt and I know thats not healthy......any thoughts and suggestions would be really welcome.

Dear Happynow,

It's hard not to let these things eat away at your heart and soul.
Well done on having the courage to send a reply that was considered and put your views across.

"During this time I began to understand that my upbringing was fairly dysfunctional and emotionally quite abusive." It sounds exactly like the same thing is happening here - you've changed and grown and moved forward, and your family have not. They do not sound enlightened and certainly not loving and kind. What a tragedy

Are you still in contact with your therapist? Maybe you could talk your feelings through, and protect yourself a little bit from the continuing damage that your family is causing you.

Could you cut them out of your life? Or would you prefer not to?
It's so hard for you and your own family unit to be subjected to this.
Keep going, try to stay standing if you can, and keep taking the children out on day trips building beautiful memories ! xxx

That is soooo much like my family. I am "lucky" that I live far away from them (really far away) and not in touch with them too much. Only way to move on with my life.

I just wanted to say one thing here.. You say that to "feel is anger and hurt and I know thats not healthy". They are just feelings you NEED to feel. It would be unhealthy to bury it all and pretend it is not there. You have all right in the world to feel angry and hurt, so let these feelings flow, you will feel better than considering there feelings bad or unhealthy.

My family still hurts me, but as I don't see them often, and keep in touch very little (just emails, a message here and there on facebook etc), and I am happier this way. I have a more than wonderful husband, great kids, so I am moving forward.

As Huwbert mentioned above, you are moving forward and your family is not. That is what happens to me too. I have been in therapy now for about 5 years and I still find bits here and there about my parents that hurt me like hell. I do feel angry and I do what I can to let it all out. Enough of pretending that "all is well"

I hope you will manage to cope with this blow - it is not easy

Thank you both for your replies - they really do help.....just to know that I'm not lone in outgrowing my family emotionally....but god its tough....how come they still have this hold on me?

I don't have any answers but I just wanted to say that members of my family are emotionally abusive and have a hold over me and knock my recovery every time Im nearly back on my feet. They also don't even believe in my mental health problems (Im Bi Polar). There was never such a true saying as 'can't live with them, can't live without them'.

That was cheap, cowardly shot your sister took at you over email and you have every right to be hurt and angry.

I am still working on breaking the cycle and I have no idea how Im going to manage it.
As I said - I don't have any answers for you but I read what you wrote and just wanted to say you are really not alone. Not by a long shot.

Obviously losing a business and a livelihood is a hammer blow and not every person recovers from such circumstances. The fact that you have is a victory in itself.

It was a cowardly thing of your sister to approach you in the first place by e-mail. If she genuinely feels the things she says, then surely she should not hide behind her computer. Sad as it seems, you might cope better with that intrusion by consiously saying to yourself that she has lost your respect (at least for the timebeing). She simply cannot claim to speak on behalf of all the family, each member will have a different point of view. If it was initiated by your Mother, why not ask to see her and have an adult conversation about it. If you feel the attack is unfair (and it sounds like it), hold your head high as the righteous should.

You cannot simply try to shrug off what has happened otherwise it will inevitably get to you, therefore do contact your other family members by phone or face to face. Do your best to make sure they are not misled by such harsh criticism but also try if possible to keep your emotions one step removed in an effort to protect yourself from emotional entanglement. Easier said than done but you can make a conscious effort to try. By doing so you will have stood up to your sister and done your best. That will not take the hurt away but it will make you feel better about yourself. Remember, the most important person you have to confront is the one you see in the mirror! If you can be honest and satisfied with him then the world is ok and others have much to learn.

I am not in that position - and really don't envy you. But my instinct is to reply to family that they have made their feelings clear in the most cowardly and selfish way possible.

Full stop.

I know objectively that I was driven to my breakdown by caring for another person 24/7 for 12 years. I had to learn to like myself again after my crash cost me my career and my ambitions, and it has taken a lot of work for me to find the strength to stand on my own two feet again.

Anyone who doesn't understand or care about that, and has so little respect for my health and my need to recover that they are willing to knock me down, is not welcome in my life. My advice to you is to take the same line.

I know this post was written a while ago but it hit me like a bolt of lightning. I had to go through this with my family (I am in my mid forties) and it just brought back the hurt and pain. What a harsh and cruel thing your sister did knowing how much it would hurt you. Unfortunately there is no quick bit of advice from me. You may have to go through a few more attacks before you decide finally like me to cut them off altogether. Is this a pattern of behaviour? Has your sister and your mother behaved this way to you before? I agree with above advice that you must work this through with a therapist and express your feelings otherwise you will hold things in and become very ill. I think you should be soooooo proud of yourself. Dealing with your business, something you have worked hard for, going down the pan, and yet getting yourself into therapy and working hard to get better. You sound really courageous to me. I would question whether it is healthy for you to be in contact with these people when you are so vulnerable. They seem to kick you when you are down. Try and focus on your children and your wife - I am sure they love and respect you.

Hi again this was a while ago but I am new on here. My own problems are family centred so I can guess what you are going thru, I made a decision to cut one of my two sisters out of my life, I feel sad about it but I cannot deal with the stress and anguish and hurt that her and her family put me thru. It is difficult for my mother to see or understand she always says but she's your sister! BUT my psychiatrist said to me when we were discussing this an age old saying " you can choose your friends, but not your family!" It is so true. It sounds that the problem is your siblings and mother not you. I agree it is hurtful as it is, but concentrate on your own mental health and that of your children and wife. It is and will be hard but it sounds as though you have been there rock but they repay you with treasonable behaviour they sound like spoilt "brats" sorry harsh but I suspect its true. perhaps there are mourning your loss because they will be effected not worried about you (that is like my sister she is only interested in herself and her stupid moronic living off the state daughter and her 4 illegitimate children) (yep I pretty much hate them!)
Dont let yourself get into that state it is what happened to me before I realised that I must cut them out of my life forever. Fortunately, there was an incident that made my mother realise just what I was going thru so she no longer keeps on about it. I also do not have a relationship with my mother as I should but that is another whole A4 story! So I concentrate on my two beautiful daughters and the life I have built with my wife and a couple of close friends you dont need to be surrounded by family or friends to be a success you just need to be happy you have what you have and it sounds like you have a loving wife and children so your are a success!