Alone, depressed, zero quality of life.

I am a 33 year old man living in London.

I told my best friend this morning that I wish there was a pill I could take to make me disappear forever. He just said there is a word for that, I said what, he said "suicide" and then went on to rattle on what he was having for breakfast. When I try to talk to him about how depressed I am feeing he tells me I am all "me me me" and obsessed with my own problems and he finds it overwhelming.

My best friend before him was much more sympathetic, however she was extremely emotionally volatile and unstable, and it all ended in disaster, with her accusing me of being emotionally abusive when I wasn't being, and then screaming every expletive under the sun at me.

Before her, I lived with another emotionally unstable friend who became extremely abusive, thinking of anyway possible to tear down my self esteem and make me feel terrible about myself. Assassinating my character, appearance and personality everyday. I lived with him for three years.

I now live in a house of strangers with language barriers and feel really alone and depressed.

Right now I am shocked at how insensitive my friend was this morning to my confession of being suicidal, but what do you do when your best friend finds your depression "over whelming". ?

My family are all in a 'Christian' sect and think the answer to my problems is to re-join the sect/cult. Which of course just makes me feel even more alone/depressed. I feel like a huge disappointment to them. Although I do know deep down how deluded they are - not that that helps make me feel less alone. I try to tell them about being depressed but it falls on deaf ears. I think they feel similar to my best friend - that it is all a bit overwhelming.

I also have no job at the moment. I am looking for a job, but am scared that it will all go wrong and that I will be a disappointment to my new boss.

I have had counselling, but it was basically me just talking to a man who wasn't allowed to give me advice.

I went on anti depressants a couple of years ago and came off them after a year. I came off them as I did not want to depend on them for the rest of my life. However, I realise that I have such low motivation and self esteem right now that I might as well be dead, so I am going to try and register with a doctor and go back on them. If I have to be on them forever, so be it.

What do people think?

Thanks

Hi pjharvey, as has been said before, it is very hard for people who have never suffered depression to truly understand how you are feeling, many find mental illness an awkward and embarrassing thing to talk about and I guess that's what happened with your friend today. I think the best thing you can do at the moment is register with a g.p and talk to them about how you are feeling, once you are given the treatment you need and are on the path to recovery and feeling stronger, then you can tackle the other aspects in your life.

Hope this helps, let us know how things go....
Miffy x

You sound as everybody is finding your problems unfathomable, like you almost speak a different language to them, they show no interest, as you are so different you're too complex to enter into conversation with.

You'd probably want someone to make the effort to lean your language so that communication would be easier.

Maybe you should try to show interest in the people you live with. You have an opportunity to learn one or more new languages. You could help them learn English and they can teach you about their language, and lives. You don't have to 'convert' to anything. I lived in Spain for 9 months and had to learn Spanish it gets easier with time and is fun, it can completely change you view. Relish learning.

Tell your familiy you are doing something positive and doing a teaching/learning job.

Good luck

People generally in this country don't like talking about depression. They would rather talk about flowers and rainbows and the weather. Maybe they are scared that if they talk about it or think too much about it they will end up depressed themselves. Perhaps deep down they think of depression as a contagious disease to be avoided at all costs.

Which all goes to make suffering it a much more isolating experience.

I went to the doctor yesterday to register in view to getting anti-depressants. I have to wait 13 days before I can see a nurse to register with. After this time, I can make an appointment to see the doc. I am a bit worried that he won't prescribe them to me..

I think I would feel a lot happier in life if I was not raised up to feel that who I am as a person was wrong and had to be stifled. However, I guess it is never too late to unpiece the shackles?

Hi, yes it is very isolating, when you tell someone you're depressed they think that there has to be a specific reason or happening to make you feel that way and of course there isn't, it's a disease like any other.

Sorry it's taking so long to see a Dr, but try not to torment yourself that you won't be prescribed the anti-d's, they will see how you are and don't hold back, pour it all out.

Remember you are a worthy person and be proud of who you are and that you are taking steps to get better.

Hi Pjharvey ( I love your name by the way! *big fan*)

Firstly I think its a good thing that you have been able to express how you are feeling out loud even if your friend did not seem to understand or was very supportive of you. Just talking even if the other person doesnt respond is kind of like therapy sometimes...
I lived in London last year and i have to say that I found it a very lonely experience indeed.
Going back and asking for anti depressants would be a good idea for the time being I think as it may help give you that little push to get more involved with things which you might not feel motivated to do right now....
You need to remind yourself that what you have is depression and its an illness. Its not your fault and it not something you can cure nor is it something that everyone understands.
At least we can come here and chat about things and have people understand without judgement anyway...

I hope that you are ok. Sorry if im not good at this advice thing!

X

PJHarvey, you don't need to be afraid to discuss your problems here or the depression or the suicidal feelings you have. We are here to listen and, where we can, give some advice. I went for years feeling "down" without knowing I was depressed. I thought my problems were mine and I would be able to handle them. I couldn't but it took a lot of pain to find that out. Fortunately I have a couple of friends who have been there and know what it's like and we help each other. If they hadn't been there to talk to me and badger me I would never have gone for some counselling and I probably wouldn't be here now. There may be one or two people on here who get judgemental but I reckon that the vast majority of us will listen and be sympathetic no matter what - too many of us have been there and know what it feels like (and yes I've been suicidal and wanted to disappear completely). Let's just say, you ain't alone anymore PJ, you've got friends here you can trust.

Steve

By the way, I've been there in the "looking for a job and terrified" situation. You know your record from your previous job. You know you can do whatever job you get. Trust in your abilities and you will be fine in whatever job you get.

Steve

Hello--lots of helpful mesages here already--that in itself is wonderful, that people are takkng the time to listen and respond--cool!
Your first word is 'Alone'--and from what you say about your family situation, no wonder you feel alone.
It seems to me that you've been very brave in sticking to your own beliefs in spite of them being different from those of your family, and for that you should be proud of yourself--You're strong enough to have the courageof your own convictions.
I'm very wary of GP's medication, much prefer homeopathic or some alternative--but sometimes, it can be the best thing--just to 'get going' and ease the terrible pressure of depression.
Good luck with finding a job and always remember--you're interviewing them too--you'll be giving them your time and otheattributes so don't feel it's all one way--ask them questions too, because you value yourself.
Valuing ourselves, is the first positive step, and it seems like you have every 'right' to do so---The best of luck--Holly

Just thought I would write a little update.

Since writing my message I have felt increasingly alone and depressed and anxious.

I am back on Citalopram 20mg.

Please read the conversation I had with my "best friend" today and let me know what you think:

Him:
Oi, are u dead?
or in one of your passive aggressive sulks?

Me:
neither. I am going through a hard time at the moment and i just feel constantly put down by you

Him:
sometimes the truth hurts. u cant expect me to be your friend and not tell u when ur acting the goat or doing something which is restricting your path to happiness..
Most of your other friends have disappeared out your life rather than facing you about it... however im different and need to tell you.
smooch

Me:
i might need more than just being told i enjoy being depressed and wallowing in depression and have no desire to change.

Him:
i just think u need to step out yourself for once and look at yourself how others see you.. Do u think its nice for me to meet you and hear you being miserable and moaning all the time - which is the same old story every time. im depressed too but one tries to gleam some joy from company. eg. have a laugh and a joke. but ur so hard work. and im not just gonna sit there and say nothing.

Me:
hmmmmm. The last person a depressed person needs is to be judged and criticised for their depression

Him:
oh get over yourself. temparement like rice paper.. u have to realise this is the reason everyone does a runner from you. You have to adapt or die.
your problem is youve never had someone to actually confront you about the way you are, and it has nowt to do with your "depression"... and (un)fortunately that role has been left to me : )
U know me by now, and im not someone to not express myself about the way I feel, about myself or others around me.
Just hurry up and take your prozac kid.
and stop thinking about how depressed you are, and try and have FUN.

Me:
do you know how stupid and ill informed you sound?

Him:
ok, ill leave you to your misery. come back when you can see it from someone elses view other than your own, as per usual.

You sound like you need someone to deeply care about what you are going threw, hugs and advice, someone to talk to without judgement just an ear. The trouble with being an empathetic person is you take in other peoples problems and let them hurt you with words to the point of they become your problems and i am one of those people who is too needy and caring to the point of i do it for them not me and i have learnt we are alone in this life and we have to find the confidence within which im still trying to find Having good friends is a plus but when we are depressed we can forget that they too have problems and maybe it does overwhelm them so my advice is to seek a depression support group you can go to talk to people and be understood. Try different methods of therapy, yes the list for these thing is way too long and its stupid to tell a suisidal person to wait 6months for help but i found CBT quite helpfull but im sure there are different therapies you could try.

Learn to step back from friends that you feel are making you feel bad about yourself, i had to do this as i hate losing friends but sometimes its not good to cling to people who really only care about themselves . Meet new people if you can, if you feel you could join something youd be intereted in like i like creative writing and i met people i literally just hung out with them that day and that was enough for me. I also get very close to people which is good and bad because you can expect to much from them.

Lowselfesteem is horrid and comes with depression attacking your brain daily, all it takes is for someone to act shitty towards you, or tell you they cant deal with you and it can spiral into a im obviously a bad person who everyone hates. You arnt im sure but this is an illness its not something you can just wakeup from it needs to be treated with the right meds for me lithium worked and with a bit time and good supportive people around i felt like i was improving. I also think you have to really want to get out of feeling shit cos it can become a second nature, you have to be willing to try new things to boost your selfesteem and make you feel like the wonderful person im sure you are.

I try not to take on peoples negative views on me, its hard but i do a quick reality check with myself. that im caring, i have a good sense of humour and i dont go out of my way to hurt people, i then think about what id like to curb in myself, like my temper can be really bad so i think of ways i could stop myself from melt down which is usally when i decide to cut someone off cos they are bad for me or i address my feelings and think is it really helpful for me to keep putting myself in the same situation by wanting so much from people when most just want a light conversation and thats it. So i think yeah i need to become more selfreliant cos nobody is going to save you in this world but people do offer love in the exchange for love if you meet the right people and thats hit and miss that we all face

I also think if you know someone like your friend makes you feel worse sometimes and youve tried to tell them and they still say stupid shit then you have one option DONT SEE THEM ANYMORE or a bit less atleast dont hurt yourself if you dont have to.

On the work front of feeling like you might not be good enough i totally empathise cos ive always been worse in work, i found somthing i was good at which is the first step then people will always be people, you have to deal with all sorts of twats, sorry "different personalities" lol at work and it can beat you down esp if you are feeling fragile like you beat yourself up for the smallest thing and if you have a rude obnoxious boss or that one arse of a person with ocd who picks faults with everyone, no offence to ocd sufferers i use it in a way to describe how awful it can be to work alongside people you dont always relate to. So even tho i have got better at not beating myself up and allowing myself to make mistakes, which i hate to do cos i was bullied by my dad as a kid and as you know it sticks sometimes as adults we can be sensitive to it. So my problem solver in that respect was to work for myself When i was well obviously which im sure you will get there cos its the pits when its bad it really is and i feel for you cos i still have some shit days honestly it can get better tho in time

People generally in this country don't like talking about depression. They would rather talk about flowers and rainbows and the weather. Maybe they are scared that if they talk about it or think too much about it they will end up depressed themselves. Perhaps deep down they think of depression as a contagious disease to be avoided at all costs.

Which all goes to make suffering it a much more isolating experience.

I went to the doctor yesterday to register in view to getting anti-depressants. I have to wait 13 days before I can see a nurse to register with. After this time, I can make an appointment to see the doc. I am a bit worried that he won't prescribe them to me..

I think I would feel a lot happier in life if I was not raised up to feel that who I am as a person was wrong and had to be stifled. However, I guess it is never too late to unpiece the shackles?

Sorry just reading threw more posts:
Totally agree with this country stiff upper lip "we are all fine attitude", ive found it oppressive too and i still do cos my personality is expressive and emotional, so yep people are a drab colour of rainbow, if England was a colour it would be beige

This country seems to see depression as a weakness and is often brushed under the carpet and this is coming from a woman. We are just being 'over emotional'. For a man society sees it as unheard of for a man to have depression which is ridiculous to me.

As for you 'friend' he is clearly trying the 'tough love' tactic and it doesn't work. My advice would be to keep your distance. I see that he is trying to get you out of your funk but totally going the wrong way about it, I think he means well but omg I read your conversation with him open mouthed! lol.

There is no one who is going to magically make this feeling disappear, and you know this. To muster the motivation to even open my curtains some days is just as hard work as opening my eyes.

Doing things to get where you want to be is going to help with self satisfaction. Write a list for the week of what you would like to achieve maybe? I do this alllll the time. It doesnt have to be massive things like
:day 1: invent a cure for stupidity
:day 2: learn to communicate with zebras
:day 3: give birth to an octopus...
Little things are what life is all about and the big things will follow. My list for today... Wash up, go to the shop (even though its pissing down I know getting out of the house is going to help), watch whatever crap I've recorded on sky.

Glad you have some meds sorted, and even if you do have to take them for the rest of your life so what? Be you, not what others want you to be and if they can't handle it? There are plenty of others out there who can and will.

The worst part of depression for me is thinking that no one really gives a shit and they dont want to listen. But look, all these people give a shit and want to listen. x