isolation coupled with responsibilty

I feel this is a trivial problem, one that so many other people face and overcome.

It has come up many times since I have had my children, who are at school but are still at an age that, when they are not at school they need to be cared for by a responsible adult = me.

Now I have a therapist and it is easy to get to my regular appointment, in term time. The holidays are coming up and I am worrying about how to get to that regular appointment when I have two very children to take care of. My partners default position is 'Ask his mum' but she is going away for exactly the time that I need help. Suddenly I feel how isolated and helpless I am, total responsibility, with no one to turn to no one I feel I can ask. To ask for one child is OK, but they are both so different, age and sex, I feel it is a big ask of anyone to have both, even for only 2 hours which is all this would be.

It reminds me of the helplessness I experienced in caring for them when they were small. My partner works some distance away, and, although he always said to call him if I had a problem, when I was desperate and did so, his answer was that I should call his mum.

In turn I am reminded by all the bad things that I have done as a mother, the shouting, throwing things, unreasonable and appalling behaviour just because I was desperate for peace, sleep, a break, time alone, little pointless freedoms denied because I felt I had no one to ask, thngs I did not want to admit to myself let alone another human being who would judge me.

It's all taking me into a very dark and miserable place............

Hi,
Don't feel guilty for wanting your own space, time alone is something we all need. You are a 1parent family for most of the time from what you write, I think your partner could be a lot more helpful, but for him working away it must be difficult for you both.
You have depression like all of us on this site, so when you need to talk talk to us, we all understand how you are feeling, so your not on your own anymore.
Have you made friends with any other children's moms from the school
I'm sure one of them would help you out if you asked ?
Wishing you good luck.

Agreeing with the previous comment. Children are so hard to deal with,without any issues of depression or what not. Don't be so hard on yourself. The fact you love your children is the best thing you can give and yes the odd time you may have shouted etc etc but that's your way of dealing with things!! As above is there no one who can help with looking after them with you apart from your partner?Maybe your therapist could suggest something?x

Agreeing with the previous comment. Children are so hard to deal with,without any issues of depression or what not. Don't be so hard on yourself. The fact you love your children is the best thing you can give and yes the odd time you may have shouted etc etc but that's your way of dealing with things!! As above is there no one who can help with looking after them with you apart from your partner?Maybe your therapist could suggest something?x

I agree, the fact that you love them is all you need to know. My step daughter is 17 now and I regret the times she would come home from school and I would be in bed, or the times when I kept a bottle of vodka in the wardrobe because I just could not cope, and that was just with one teenager. Then the times when she would return from school and be so full on wanting to follow me around the house not knowing that I had struggled to get out of bed two hours before she returned and the brave face was just exhausting. Sometimes the demands got so much I just snapped and shouted louder than I should have. I even tried to explain to her what depression was (she and her father are the total opposite of depressed - they cruise through life happy and healthy - thank goodness) but she did not really understand and at one point said 'Serotonin would be a good name for a cat' lol. I have isolated myself so much that this site is the only way I can try and hide my 'illness' from my family and try and not let their lives be affected, but I need an outlet or I will just go crazy. You must have that therapy time - not just for you, but for your family. You cannot be expected to go through this alone and be able to function as if nothing was wrong. I don't know how old your children are? Does your therapist have a creche? When my dad died and I had to be miles away from my therapist, we arranged a consultation on the phone. Can you explain to your partner that your depression is not just something that affects you, it is something that should be tackled as a family. Can he not arrange time off or suggest a relative or friend or in-law to stay with them? Would it be impossible if the children attended, but sat in a waiting room or at another table with crayons and paper/i phones whatever while you spoke to your therapist? You must not focus on the times you feel you let the kids down. Some days it is an amazing achievement that we actually manage to get up dressed and are present. If your illness/ailment was a physical one, or you were in a wheelchair, you would not feel guilty about not being able to go swimming or whatever, your family would probably rally round somehow. Just because what you are suffering from is not visible to other people does not make it any less severe and debilitating. The fact that you are on this site and how you have expressed yourself shows how much you care and how much you love your children. Please try and keep the appointments - the therapist you see must see other parents - what do they do? Sorry I am waffling on. I just hope you manage to sort something out. I have only posted on this site today and already I feel a huge weight off my shoulders and I feel less alone. Take care, xx

Thank you for the replies, I need to speak to other parents at school, I am sure there are some that would help, there is one who is incredibly supportive but she does work.

I am feeling better now, been through the despair and then anger, remembering how much I have had to do alone, I carried on through pneumonia with no help which led to my asking for help in the form of Prozac.

Seems to me unless something physically prevents me from doing the caring of my children, like being physically sick everyone else is more than happy to let me do it all alone, especially when they have jobs to go to, or other people to help.

I will speak to my therapist about it, and my partner, although he saw how upset i was the other day he has not mentioned it since. Too wrapped up in his own feelings that he has 'to do everything'.

P

Pristine
How are you feeling now, did you manage to get a childminder for when you go to appointment.
What you say regarding doing everything even when you are I'll
Most mothers feel like that everyday. While being depressed it only makes you feel even more put-on, so in that respect you are not on your own. Reach out to people for help if you need it, if you don't ask you don't get any help, some people like to be independent and hate asking for help, but I'm sure if you asked someone would be happy to assist you, give it a try.
Very glad you are feeling a little better, keep up the good work.
Kind thoughts.

Thanks for all your help & support. I spoke to my partner, he checked his diary & can work from home on the days in question, then a friend I had asked came armed with her diary to ask when I needed help.

Why is it so hard to ask? My therapist says I am obviously not used to having my needs met, I'm. Unable to even voice them.

P

I'm so pleased your partner is able to help you out for the appt.
What a relief that must be for you, also your friend is willing to help out whenever you need, that's all good positive news.
Why is it so hard to ask for help??? this is a subject to work out in therapy.
Your doing very well in my opinion, keep talking to us, your not alone.
x