Hi everyone - I used to be a closet rebel now I'm a full blown "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" Rebel! I fully identify with Jack Nicholson's character - At the final boarding establishment where my mother dumped me I perfected dumb insolence - I can use my face to its full potential with a slight raised eyebrow and smirk and narrow and lower my eyelids and flare my nostrils in contemptuous sarcasm!
I really wanted to be an actress but feared losing my words - same with singing - thanks some time on valium and self imposed 'cold turkey'
I recall someone saying that Depression is to do with "Lost Chances" and "Loss of Potential"
That is true in my case the desperation that after years of intending to get out there and sing again the years disappeared self sabotage possibly but also the intense shock of betrayal from various quarters -
Once upon a time I feared and lauded the medical profession believing it was honourable and the signing of the Hypcratic Oath which apparently doesn't exist anymore - to swear never to inflict harm on the patient - yeh chance would be a fine thing!
How disillusioned I have been by what was found in my medical notes - from a little girl having seen my surgeon Archie McIndoe as my saviour the only one to force my mother to toe the line - what a joke! His successor Robin Beare soon put pay to that - an appalling bodged operation that Mr O' Neal plastic surgeon at Norfolk and Norwich Hospital commented "No your stomach shouldn't have been left like that - but I'm not touching it!"
The shock of that confirmation that I was right to be angry about it -
I had been left unsupervised in hospital so they were able to get away with murder -
East Grinstead's plastic surgery hospital had become my second home, there being no other proper permanent abode - I never knew where my belongings were or when or where I'd be going next after the end of term or being passed between hospital, boarding, foster or whatever care my mother chose to sign me up to - all at arms length - I might get some flowers a book or chocolates in a parcel but this was her way of buying me off and expected to feel so grateful
Thank God Alice Miller gave me permission to kick aside all expectations - now I can condemn what I choose, the lack of love, care and protection - I can rebell and say my piece without fear of being condemned either in my medical file, or my mother disinheriting me - or being frowned on by society - for in 1987 I had no knowledge of Germaine Greer's book The Female Eunuch (spelling?) I had no knowledge of my Basic Human Rights or the Human Rights Bill -
Once the socially acceptable mother of two, responsible job dispensing drugs (legally!) in a GP surgery at Capel St Mary - lied about then sacked while still sick after being harassed back to work too soon following serious abdominal operation - and after picking up senior partner of the GP surgery -having prescribed Percutol for a child with chilblains instead of Pernomol!
At home all the time now overhearing through our party wall a blow inflicted on a child (BIG mistake child's father being a CID officer!) Reporting it to social services saw all hell let loose -It was before the Child Act - I was severely censored by the whole community -
The full might of the law doorstepped me late at night in the form of panda cars - unbeknownst to me the Ex's cousin held a senior position in Police transport division - they had other reasons to want me off their patch - the Ex's aunt (sister of ex -mother-in-law who'd blacked my eye with my own Mason & Pearson hairbrush while naively lodging there (a runaway from my grandmother's ) falsely accused of theft - to distract from the middle brother now being carted off to borstal for shoplifting - the one years later just before the split, I visited in HMP Norwich unaware of what two broken arms meant! According to an ex sister-in-law he'd abused ALL three of his baby daughters -
Another brother I nearly caught red handed one night - the wife classically working at the pub - taking too long coming to the door - eventually opening it rubbing his eyes saying he'd fallen asleep on his daughter Emma's bed!! Reporting it to our mutual GP surgery to no avail
The teenager had an early pregnancy the mother justifying the girl's anger was "only natural - every child gets angry with their father!"
There were good reasons to have me off their patch - I wasn't going anywhere!!
My car was trashed on a number of occasions - I was assaulted on my own doorstep, with my own car door - the excuse being that I'd left my car radio on after arriving back from a rare late shop at Sainsburys (1988) so not that late on a Friday night - Then covering up the criminal act the culprits called the police - while i fled and eventually entered the police station to make a statement - not surprisingly my statement was not wanted - I'd reported one of their own - they laughed me out of the station - I returned home to be confronted a few minutes later by the cops on my doorstep - it was supposedly me who'd started the strife - despite my being in my kitchen cooking supper when I was summoned to the door by a bang - the husband of "mouth almighty" who always did her bidding - sneering "So what are you doing about this music?" I stepped forward to my car in my own driveway - he was closest opened the door and rammed it against my leg - The GP noted the bruise approx 3x2" - at the time "mouth almighty screaming "You drove a whole family out!" - her friend the copper's wife obviously her only ally had left leaving her high and dry -
Brick wall broken, tomatoes slung at my windows - one night after a rare trip out in the dark I returned to find my six foot wrought iron gates on the side of my house - though padlocked - one lifted off its hinges hanging the other luckily too rusted to remove - in the pitch dark sweating and struggling eventually I got it back on all on my own -
Then followed a break-in - I returned home one night again after a rare Sainsbury shop - so often I might arrive at the supermarket and despite needing food felt glued to the seat unable to get out of the car - this particular night a stranger stood leaning against Mouth almighty's fence holding a snooker cue - smirking -
My larder window had been smashed - in the sittingroom where my stereo separates and speakers once were - just space - a mess and foot prints on the larder windowsill and spilled cooking oil -
The only decent police officer called to the scene told me that the CID officer's family were splitting up so the accusations that I'd driven a whole family out was totally false - and worse still my story about the sound of a blow was twisted and became "sexual abuse accusations"
As I said to Chief Det Supt Jolly of welfare -"I'm not sure how you deduce sexual abuse through a party wall!"
It was another smear tactic
The stereo separates were found bagged up in binliners in the aunt's driveway - with the speakers - a radio engineer explained they'd reversed the current through the speakers which wrecked the tuner! So I immediately went out and bought an even more powerful tuner!!
The police were not stopping my for the slightest excuse - The replacement neighbours in the adjoining property were soon recruited by the ex's aunt the other side of them - Parrots (African) two of them were installed in cages and every morning at the crack of dawn around 6am were placed slap up against both bedroom walls so close you could hear the birds scrabbling and rattling the cages - screaching could be heard so piercing through two walls and up in the bathroom - there was no escape
By now my car was off the road and no money for repairs - I was near to suicide and provocations were many - a CPN started visiting no help at all - commenting on arrival "Oh Judith it's quite therapeutic coming to see you!" Confiding he had his fried breakfasts secretly behind his wife's back in Asda - I'd give him a pot of tea, a milk jug, cup and saucer etc on a tray - while I read my poetry or life story he'd usually stay longer - when hysterical over the neighbours' behaviour he'd leave EARLY! And when needing assistance - when a starling that got down the chimney was now flying round the house - he did SFA!!
The African parrots and psychological assault continued though mysteriously fading around midday despite all out at work -
One morning from my back bedroom window I notice the aunt climbing back over the dividing fence - A keyholder obviously moving them back to make it look like I was off my head -
So I went out to tackle both women one afternoon provoking a further visit from the police - a six foot plus officer naively invited in - sits down but my attempt to explain the background abruptly he stand up towering over me sneering "I don't need to hear this!" I want a wpc here immediately I snap - meanwhile i'm blocking his attempt to leave by the front door - he goes out the back - the gates are locked - looks down the garden - obviously thinks twice about climbing over the fence which would look rather ridiculous - ludicrously he threatens to charge me with "imprisoning a police officer " laughable - his call for a wpc brings no joy - eventually I release him! .....
To be continued......