The day Ruby discovers she doesn’t really exist...
It’s very odd being in a retreat for…..I can’t tell how long I’ve been here, though I’ve grown a beard. All I know is I’m iglooed here in my cell writing my dissertation for my master’s while simultaneously writing the comedy version on the same subject for a book (out next year). I may call it, “Existence-the Pros and Cons.” I’ve complained most of my life and in my show “Losing It’, that we the human race are not given an instruction manual as to how to run ‘us’. This is why I’m now researching how the mind works and can we run ‘it’ rather than ‘it’ running us?
Today, I read in one of my books, which I can hardly comprehend that there is no actual ‘me’ or ‘self’. Bad news for those of us who have lived mostly for ourselves to now find out we don’t exist. What am I going to do with all the shoes I’ve bought me? Turns out that cosy, congruent sense of ‘me’ is basically a potpourri of life-long habits, old re-runs (your memories) somatic senses, motor, visual and auditory add-ons, a whole bucket-full of hormones for mood enhancers and billions of cable-like neurons, electrically zapping from brain locale to locale everything working around the clock to keep us existing. There’s even certain lobes in the brain that are responsible for making you think there’s a ‘you’ just so you don’t find yourself walking down chaos street with no map and end up banging into the furniture or worse walking off the edge of the world. To put it bluntly everything including you is virtual reality. Think of the “Wizard of Oz” ok? You’re being run by the guy behind the curtain.
It gets more distressing. You know that voice in our heads we all call thought? We all have our very own inner voice that nags, assesses, theorizes, judges, comments, criticizes (some of the worst reviews I’ve ever received have been from my own mind). I was under the impression my thoughts were giving me some vital piece of information nope, they’re more like background musak full of warnings and scenarios of things that might go wrong so you don’t get eaten by a wild bison. Some of your brain is left over from 4 million years ago; it doesn’t realize things have changed. It feels any threat is threat. So if you forgot to return an email it feels the same degree of fear from danger as if you’re about to be made into lunch. This is why more and more of us are joining the mentally ill club.
Your thoughts, which you thought were running the show, are actually as relevant to your existence as a zillionth of a grain of sand on top of an ocean liner the size of Pennsylvania. What’s running you is the million, trillion gigabyte- powered engine room not your stupid inner monologue about why you forgot to buy yogurt.
On another note, I don’t know if I mentioned that I cannot get internet here. This morning I just happened to get a connection for a fleeting moment and this came up on my iPhone, “Dear Ruby as another week slips by, here are 10 things which caught my attention and may have escaped yours. Number 1. Peter Kay tops a new super league of comedians after his return to stand-up last year his tour earned him £20.34m. I am so glad I don’t exist otherwise I would be upset.
Of course you exist, you think, therefore, you am :)
Love you Ruby. This is great. And love Erincea's comment. :-)
At the risk of incurring much wrath... Anonymous here does seem to display many personalities! ;)
There is a self, there certainly is, its the thing we develop or not, its the part of us that suffers from success or failure, from wanting to be more cause it can and it knows it- which is amazing. Send that book back Ruby, its stupid, though it would save us all alot of pain if we weren't real.....
Ruby I am still reeling from the fact that you have a M.I. I live in rural Australia and got on to BlackTribe via tweet, via ferrifrump. Have already felt lots better by leaving a couple of posts. Good on you Ruby for setting up this wonderful site. Cheers :)
Write something... my brain now hurts. so if I don't really exist as me. am i in a different dimension? this could get very bizzare. do you think if I had this conversation with my CPN she would see it as evidence of me being very seriously ill and in need of sectioning be warned be careful who you debate this with. But I love it.
well if my head didn't hurt before, it bloody does now! Interesting though..
Write something...
Well, if there is no "me", then I plead the fifth to whatever I've done in the past....LOL
Interesting thought though.....I know that my "negative thoughts" run on and on and on in my head and I wish I could just shut them off. It takes A LOT of strength to do so.
And Ruby....I'll take your shoes.....:)
You also need to consider that your re-run of memories will often be wrong (our imagination automatically fills in the gaps we don't recall) and our perception of the event we are "remembering", when it happened, may have been wrong, too! So, if our self-image is just a collection of our memories of what we have done in the past, it exists at least in part as a figment within our own imagination and probably quite wrong.
But I did say "automatic" filling in the gaps. Look up human perception (you already have, I bet) and you will note that we don't consciously absorb all information we see - it takes too long to analyse it to escape real threats. What we do is see the outline and our brains do a mental check to see if that matches a template for something we have already experienced. When it does match,we conclude what we see it that, even if it isn't; we 'believe' that is it. I suppose this helps us save time to escape every time we see a Great Triffid: If it looks like a Great Triffid we once saw before eating someone, then Brain says, "Assume it's a Great Triffid" and tells us to run." It might not be a Great Triffid but a Lesser Triffid, which isn't harmful but very good to eat boiled,with some butter and a pinch of white pepper; but our brains want us to play safe and skidaddle.) See the results of the experiment that shows, as an example, how we perceive words: Wehn you raed tihs stenecne you wlil udenrastnd it busaece yuor barin uess taht lrneat tmlpatee, not read every letter in every word.
It is also worth looking at the automatic functions of the brain, in dealing with emotions and perception, from the experience of hypnosis. A hypnotist can persuade you that you are holding a cold apple when you are actually holding a hot onion, or a hot penny with it's actually a cold piece of cardboard. Hypnosis is being used to reduce pain even in some Burns Units. Regression therapy can identify objects seen in childhood that you then associated with a particular emotion arising that resulted from a traumatic event - e.g. violent argument between parents when sat by a basket of mushrooms when feeling very upset and scared. As an adult, the argument is forgotten but the sight of the mushrooms invokes conditioned response of fear. So, if our self-image is of someone who dislikes the cold, or hot ... as the song goes, "It ain't necessarity so."
In short, we are not who we 'think' we are. You knew that already, of course!
Fascinating subject, innit!
interesting, i've often wondered if i am engaged in imaginings of one kind or another much of the time, if my normal way of being includes imagining things as true that might not be.
I comment, therefore I am
So when i was cracking up the other week and told my friend i didn't exist i was right. The response to my revelation, 'You must exist cos i'm texting you now! See?'. Reading my response i wasn't convinced. To be honest it made me feel a little strange reading this after all that has happened. At the same time i kind of feel good, like i'm not the only one.
Write something...
The clown priests and priestess have long known that humour is the way to send The Demons packing.
Existential angst... Bring it on. Authenticity is a goal always to be aimed at and never truly achieved
How do you apply this understanding of self? Could doing so make me stop worrying about being eaten when I make an inappropriate tweet??
the worry is a memory replaying, you could try observing it objectively instead of interacting with it, arguing with it, tensing up and resisting it etc
in terms of applying not really existing, um, i like existing, so you might want to look at how not existing would benefit you, you could imagine what the world would be like without you if you want.
if you understand that a lot of human experiences are basically the urge for a (brain) chemical high, to be mechanistic about it, then you could look at ways of altering your brain chemistry to change your mood...
you can put your mouth in smile position, this causes a release of happy chemicals... only a small one, and it won't necessarily cure depression by itself, but it can take the edge off sadness.
if you are bothered about being authentic (which some people think means being unpleasant), then this may not sit well with you, but if you can tell your mind that you are adopting smile position to increase happiness, then you might encounter less resistance.
A confident posture can get you a long way too... sat relaxed, both feet on the ground, hands in your lap is one.
Adam, Cowboy Psychiatrist
twitter @cowpsych
I guess I was particualrly interested in the concept of 'I' Ruby's exploring. I don't know how you could put that sort of paradigm shift into practice - which would be great - without actually being a hermit in a cave.
Margot
some people call it "cultivating the witness", you can try watching your thoughts go by, and try noticing the part of you that thinks the thoughts.
i might just leave it at that for you to try out for a little while, going about your day as normal, but relaxing a bit and observing your thoughts and observing yourself, the bit that thinks the thoughts, only if you feel like it of course :)
Adam
you could look at eckhart tolles ideas about the pain body, other peoples summaries of it on the web can be more accessible than his writings... lets see if i can find some:
http://www.personal-development-inside-out.com/eckhart-tolle.html
http://www.spiritualawakening.org.uk/tag/eckhart-tolle-pain-body-quotes/
the now or present moment eckhart describes is called vertical time by mystical types, it can be instructive to note where the "i" you are using to think with exists in your brain, it is a teeny little one? what happens if you identify with your whole body as you?
Best wishes
Adam, cowboy psychiatrist
twitter: @cowpsych